Our Sense of Self
Going Deeper

This is a follow-up to our discussion on Our Sense of Self

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With the media constantly slamming us with notions of who we should and shouldn’t be, and a world of social media where even those with the strongest self-esteem can fall prey to wanting to be liked by others... instead of being authentic, it’s harder than ever to stay true to ourselves. But take time to be with yourself and be yourself, and you’ll soon have a stronger sense of self that sees you making choices that constantly lead you closer to the life that makes you content.   –Hadley Therapy Counseling blog

So far we've tried to make sense of our internal lives by distinguishing between three main layers or faces of the self: the adaptive, the existential, and the authentic self. A strong sense of self is one where there's coherence, integration, agreement between these "layers" of who we are.

There are at least three main ways to work on this: through insight, counseling, and meditation or prayer. In what follows, we'll expand a bit on each of these and explore some resources many have found helpful.

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Insight
To keep exploring the dynamics of the self, check out Mindsight, by Dr. Daniel Siegel. Dr. Siegel is perhaps the most helpful guide in this area.

In my practice of psychotherapy, eight domains of integration have emerged as keys to personal transformation and well-being. These domains do not necessarily develop in a linear fashion... they sometimes emerge in combination. How we experience a “sense of self”—a feeling of who we are over time and of the patterns of energy and information that unfold in our inner lives—will be directly shaped by the degree of integration in these domains. –Daniel Siegel, Mindsight

So while in our treatment so far we've limited our inquiry to a broad view of the self, as a house--with three main layers to it—Siegel breaks it down to eight "domains of integration," which gives us even more traction on the dynamics of the self in practice.

​These are the eight domains:

• Integration of consciousness (the wholeness of awareness and stability of attention that enables the other domains to integrate)
• Horizontal integration (left and right brain)
• Vertical integration (brain and body)
• Memory integration (implicit memory becoming explicit)
• Narrative integration (our life story)
• State integration (embracing conflicting states "as healthy dimensions of a layered life")
• Interpersonal integration (working through past adaptations to enable safe openness to others, connection and intimacy without losing identity and freedom)
• Temporal integration (coming to terms with uncertainty, impermanence, and mortality)

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Besides these eight domains, he has a final ninth, which he calls transpiration (or "breathing across"): a more general, broader sense of interconnectedness, expanding identity in an awareness that we are part of a much larger whole.
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Meditation
We already saw how mindfulness meditation can help us practice the skills we need to integrate our sense of self: the ability to stabilize and heal our minds, and the practice of getting (and staying) in touch with our authentic self. But there's more.

​To explore the many psychological, physical and relational benefits that mindfulness practice promotes, start here: what mindfulness can do for you.

One of the most helpful guides we have on mindfulness meditation is Prof. Mark Williams from Oxford University. Some of his books include guided, step-by-step meditations to help us practice and learn. 

1. Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World. This one is short and concise but it's one of the most helpful and popular books on mindfulness out there. Here it is as an audiobook. And here it is in other formats (with a CD with guided meditations).
2. The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness. This one is longer and more detailed, but it's absolutely worth the time if you're struggling with depression or anxiety.
   ​ Here it is as an audiobook. And here it is in other formats (also with a CD).​
3. You can listen to all the meditations in these books for free on their website: Frantic World. Here are some of them:
   1. The 3-Minute Breathing Space. This one is perfect when we're on-the-go. It's just three minutes and it has all the basic elements of a regular mindfulness meditation session.
   2. Mindfulness of Body and Breath. This one is similar to the 3-minute breathing space, but it's about 8 minutes long.
   3. The Body Scan. This one is about 15 minutes long, and it's perfect before going to bed at the end of the day.

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As you get acquainted with mindfulness meditation, you begin to realize that there are two main ways to practice: formally and informally. In formal practice, one sets time aside to meditate or get a breathing space, as in the guided meditations above. But as these formal practices start shaping our mental habits and we start developing the skills they promote, we're able to practice those skills at any moment, in everyday life, without needing to stop what we're doing.

Whenever we take a deeper breath or slow down enough to regain mental stability and focus, that's informal practice. Whenever we practice any of the skills we learned during formal practice, that's informal practice. Whenever we notice what's going on in our selves without being taken over by our thoughts and feelings, that's informal practice.
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For a very helpful introduction and guidance on this front, see chapter 1 of Grow Up, by Owen Marcus. That book is about masculine emotional intelligence, but this chapter on “being present” would certainly be helpful for women also. And if you get distracted with Marcus' talk of becoming "a remarkable man," be patient, it's worth it: this is a gem of a chapter, a labor of love.

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Counseling
For counseling centers and therapists, you may want to start with your local 211 for information about your options in your area. Just dial 2-1-1 from anywhere in the U.S. This service is free of charge and confidential. Very helpful.

You can also search for one yourself through the Psychology Today website. Just enter your zip code and narrow the results down according to your preferences by clicking on the options on the category lists. Besides Insurance, perhaps the most important category is the treatment approach of the therapists in your area.

When you click on one of the therapists in your results, you can scroll down to find the "Types of Therapy" they offer, under "Treatment Approach." There you will see the list of  approaches they are trained on. You can click on each approach to read a brief description about what it is and how it can help you.

Once you find a therapist, you can share what you're learning here with them and explain how you want them to help you.